in the next month, i will attending college. the college im going to, despite being a two-year community college, has a great number of opportunities and accommodations. of them is multiple choices for pathways in the music major, which is my major. there is music business, composition, education, therapy, and some others im forgetting. for the longest time i assumed i would be taking the composition path, but that thought greatly unnerved me. at first, i didnt want to go to college because i felt like i'd be wasting my time and money. however, i got a scholarship that paid off my whole schooling which changed my mind. studying composition and music theory? sounds like a dream come true! at first. as i thought about it a lot more, i realized that as much as i love writing music and understanding it in a mathematical sense, i dont know how much learning more about it would actually help me move my life forward. ive already taught myself the basics back in my freshman year of highschool and ive been writing music ever since. its very fun. but the prospect of doing it to put food on my table? not exactly appealing. ive already accepted the fact that i would have to work very hard in order to make a living in the
realm of music, but due to my fundamental nature i feel like committing to something as loose as trying to make it as an artist or composer would lead me to some form of uncertain doom. i wouldnt have something to work too, which is the biggest problem. with something like artistry, the "common goal" is to "make it", usually by being famous or at least known enough that you can make things and people will pay you for it. the ideal of a artist is to put yourself out there so the "right audience" finds you, allowing yourself to be free to make things that you like and make you happy, with the bonus of being paid for it. in our modern society, the associated grind with that sort of goal is doing things like posting consistently on social media, engaging with fans, networking, doing commissions, that sort of thing. that sort of life is impossible to me.
also, if i were to pursue a life that consists of primarily making artwork and music, i would drive myself insane. by nature i am a perfectionist, and also very solitary in terms of creative projects. whenever i have worked on a creative project, ive felt a need for a certain "something" in my art thats figuratively larger than me. you know how some artist characters in movies are, highly neurotic over their work not having a certain "feeling" or not being able to portray their worldview sufficiently? thats how i get. i feel the overwhelming need to perfect my art. and if i fully gave into that feeling, (or i guess "applied myself" fully to art,) i would work tirelessly and obsessively and for what? in a independent creative career, your "work" is only half the battle. no matter how many songs you write or pieces you create, you still have the matter of selling and advertising, which is a whole other can of worms, especially in our age of internet where there are thousands of other people making things just like you. and in my case i have an irrational dislike of interacting with people online, which makes that sort of path even worse for me.
that being said, in the case of interacting with people in real life, its quite the opposite. i love people in real life. for most of my life i have thought of myself as something of a lone wolf, someone who prefers to be by himself. however, as i have gone through highschool and have said hello and goodbye to a lot of amazing (and not so amazing, but otherwise very interesting) people, ive realized how sentimental i am and how much i love being around other people, especially when working towards a common goal. (thanks, theatre!) ive grown a lot in terms of interacting and understanding people and social conventions, and i realized it would be a big waste to go and live my life in solitude after growing to love people and having friends, especially after living my whole life scared of making connections and talking to others. then, this train of thought made me realize the kind of life i would like to live going foward, which still has to do with music, but in a different scene than actually writing music for a living.
i think that everyone has a "thing". something that theyre really into. something that feels natural to spend hours dedicated to. for me, my "thing" is music, but ive come to realize music isnt what makes me feel "alive". or, it isnt the "driving force" thats kept me going all these years. its not what i "live for". i didnt realize that the things you love doing as a hobby are different than the things you'd love doing as a career. i think its like the difference between your best friend and your spouse.
once i realized that, i felt pretty scared. i was in denial about that fact for a while because that train of thought questions the path i was dedicated to pursuing. if i dont live for music, then what do i live for?what would i be truly comfortable doing as a career path? the answer right now is... im not sure. but i have a pretty good idea of the direction i do want to go in, which incorporates my love for music and my desire to work with people.
for all of my highschool life, i was a dedicated member of the theatre program. i did every show and showed up to as many events as i could. i'd say about half of my time in highschool was in the auditorium. while i'd like to say i was so dedicated to doing theatre because i love theatre, (for the record i do love theatre but not as much as music) i think the main reason i stayed is because the people and the work. i made lots of friends and acquaintances doing theatre, and i learned how to interact with people without dying. i slowly fell in love with getting to know a great variety of people from different backgrounds and aspirations, and i think the most magical part of it was seeing so many different people get along and work very hard together towards a goal. that part was great too, a lot of the time the work was hard or tedious, and added a lot to my already big workload from school and home, but in the end it felt worth it to contribute something and be apart of something bigger that goes on to be great show. in a perfect world, i'd like go on to work in an environment like that. which is what lead me to choose the music business program over the composition program.
at the college that im going to, the music business program puts together a music festival called "fredstock" in the spring. of course, thats not the only reason why i chose the music business program, but i guess thats what really settled the score for me. i'd really like to have the experience of being apart of putting something like that together. right now, its seems like a dream. of course, im probably romanticizing it in my head, but im an optimist by nature. at the very least, i'd like to have the experience of being apart of a rock concert at least once. in my opinion, theres really nothing like live performance. and im now realizing... yeah i really do live performance dont i? not being apart of the performance, mind you, but being backstage. the unsung heroes of all live shows: the tech crew! i dont know. whatever. its not really whatever. im very excited about this whole thing.
and if i hate it...? im still young, i'll figure something out.
