this is a question that ive asked myself a lot lately.
if im being completely honest, i havent had the best life. im pretty sure i came out of my mothers womb with mental problems, and situations (vague) involving my family havent really helped. all my aspirations i had growing up have fizzled and i find myself without a solid direction. day to day life is a great struggle to me. often times i feel like a divorced father. i guess in laymans terms, i see no reason for myself to live.
upon hearing that, you may think: "no reason to live...?! monstii no!! dont kill yourself!!!" but you misinterpret me! i dont want to die! which is where my confusion begins... i suppose. kind of. well, ive noticed a unique phenomena in my life which i find interesting and slightly disturbing.
as ive said before, life has offered me no shortage of turmoil over the years. however, if i had to pinpoint i specific time where it started getting really bad, it would have to be middle school, 7th grade. the only time i actually seriously considered killing myself. (i dont wish to elaborate further, but it was pretty stupid.) obviously, i didnt, (or did i? i could be a ghost.) but that ideation has haunted me over the years in my darkest moments. my darkest moments... thats the point i was trying to get to.
when a character's family dies, or he loses his powers, his lifes work gets destroyed, his enemy grows to be unstoppable or whatever, he hits rock bottom. the despair event horizon. then, after days, weeks, months have past, he looks at himself in the mirror, or maybe his best friend sits down and talks with him, perhaps someone slaps him in the face, and says "what the hell are you doing?!?" the character realizes: "what the hell am i doing!?! i have a goal to accomplish/ life to live!!!" or whatever. then he claws himself out of the pit hes been in and goes on to fight the good fight. you see, thats happened to me. way too much.
im really not sure when it started, i think sophmore year of highschool when i first felt actually started feeling emotions. (wish i was joking there) up until then, i wasnt necessarily at rock bottom, but some strange state of being where i had cast away my humanity and lived something like a robot. inside i was some husk of a person, living as someone that deep down i wasnt, or maybe didnt want to be. i looked at myself, and i told myself, i cant live like this. ("what the hell are you doing?!?") so, i made the effort to change. i got involved on my school community, made friends, started dressing the way i wanted to, and i was honest with myself with what i really wanted in life. that was a big help, being brutally honest with myself. even if it made me vastly different from everyone else. (which, in hindsight actually helped me make friends!) for the first time in my life, i was happy. really happy! its when i first has the thought; "its great to be alive in this world."
however, life sometimes has other plans for you. sure, personally i put myself on the track to be a healthier, happier person, but its not like my QOL actually changed all that much. i still lived with my family and i still had crazy anxiety. i still didnt have much freedom and i started having trouble at school. also a certain event happend that would prove to be a constant source of struggle in the coming years. it turned into a constant struggle of
despression --> wait get better!!! --> fight fight fight! --> im losing steam. --> depression --> repeat.
i got myself caught up in a battle of extreme highs and extreme lows that has lasted until relatively recently. i hate being depressed, but keeping that "high" is unrealistic and takes up so much energy. ive come to realize that keeping a "middle" is a much more viable option in terms of maintaining my mood. whenever i find myself at that "low", i keep in mind that its not the end of the world. i cant really tell myself "what the hell are you doing?!?" every time i feel depressed. imagine your friend staging a huge intervention every time you got depressed. thats what i was doing to myself. pretty stupid. for a little bit i thought i became apathetic, but i came to the conclusion that i really shouldnt let my emotions run so rampant.
all that i didnt even answer the question at hand. now to be honest, i actually kinda already knew, but its still an enigmatic part of me that writing all that spew above kinda helped me process.
to put it curtly: i keep going because i can. or rather, i cant not keep going. i really have nothing else to do. "going" is my default state. giving up is out of the question because it never was a question in the first place. im much like a shark. if one day i decided to stop doing whatever it is im doing, i would die. the notion of "giving up" to me is also like the notion of randomly attacking someone i pass on the street; like, yeah, i could, but i wouldnt, cause thats stupid.
why am i like this?
another question i find myself asking recently. why am i like this? other people have told me, and i am pretty aware, that im a pretty unique person. not in a "rare gemstone" way, but more in a "Doctor Gonzo" way. "huh, thats not something you see everyday". i often wonder why im like this, and ive come up with various potential psychological and societal reasons for why i came out the way i came out, but at the end of the day its just the way that i am. i am the way that i am, because i was born a human in this day and age on this funny planet we call earth. i am the way that am because i exist, and i dont think i really need a reason to exist. to me, asking why im like this and why i keep going is like asking me the meaning of life. how the hell am i supposed to know?! it is just because it is??? do you really need answer that badly?!? why do you keep on living, if youre so smart???? fuck off!!!!
maybe i should go to therapy.
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